Faith & Life
Hurry Up and Wait
On chaos, silence, and the rhythm I did not know I needed.
Personal Reflection
I am a busy person. I hate admitting that. But I have a big, beautiful family, a demanding and fulfilling job, and more opportunities than I can always manage gracefully. Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted in a way that is hard to explain to anyone who is not living it.
Recently I had out-of-town guests for the night and we had planned to attend an event together, only for me to realize I had another commitment the same evening. Naturally I finagled a way to do both. And although it was not ideal, it worked. But life just feels rushed lately. Relentlessly, predictably rushed.
And then, suddenly, it doesn't.
I came home this afternoon feeling guilty for abandoning my family to the pressures of work, only to find that everyone else had moved on without me. My daughter had a friend over and they were happily painting outside. My son and husband were helping my mother-in-law get settled into a rehabilitation center. My youngest was upstairs cleaning her room and preparing for a big tennis tournament tomorrow.
Everyone was fine. Everyone was occupied. Everyone was exactly where they needed to be.
And I was alone.
I had 97 minutes with nothing on my schedule, and I sat there in the strange discomfort of it, realizing I did not quite know what to do with stillness. Five hours ago, three different people had been texting me simultaneously. Someone needed advice. Someone needed a ride to the airport. I had been barely holding on. And now, nothing. Just quiet.
And the questions started coming.
Why does God, the creator of the universe, not have more order in the chaos?
Why does the rush of responsibilities come like waves crashing on the sand one day, and then feel like water still as ice the next?
Am I causing this? Am I the enemy of my own schedule, or is this just life?
And how do I make it better?
I sat with those questions for a while and did not come up with satisfying answers. But somewhere underneath the asking, I felt something quieter than an answer.
Lord, what are you saying to me in this silence?
I am here. Be with me.
Not a dramatic response. Not a five-point plan for better time management. Just a presence, patient and unhurried, waiting for me to stop moving long enough to notice it.
And I started to think that maybe this is actually what balance looks like. Not a perfectly managed schedule where everything gets equal time and attention. Maybe balance is not a structure at all. Maybe it is a rhythm. Everything at once, and then nothing at all. Waves crashing, and then water still as glass. Chaos, and then silence. And through both of them, if I am paying attention, God is there.
I can cope with chaos knowing that silence will come.
And I can sit in silence knowing it is making me ready
for the next wave.
That may be the whole thing. That may be enough.
I am not proud of how I handled the earlier part of today. I was rushed when I should have been present. I was distracted when people needed me to be still. But I am here now, and He is here now, and somehow in this quiet afternoon with 97 minutes and nowhere to be, that is more than enough.
Thank you, Lord.
Pray for me. I will pray for you. 🙏
A Personal Blog on Faith, Life & the Journey
